My Changing Inner Circle

Do you ever go through cycles of your life where, because you don’t have one core group of friends who you have weekly plans with, you’re convinced you don’t have any friends at all? My poor husband deals with me about every six months when he has to reassure me, not only how many, but how wonderful, my friends are. My issue? The dynamic of most of these friendships is neither traditional nor identical.

When I think about my friendships, they impressively date back to when I was as little as two-years old. I was born in Central New Jersey, which I thought was the epicenter of the universe. We lived in a development of townhomes, and each street was a circular mini-development, known as a “court.” In that “court” were my four best friends. Every day after school we would play, sleepover one another’s houses, go to the playground, or swim for hours at the community pool. It couldn’t get much better.

One day, one of my NJ BFF’s informed me she would be moving to Cleveland, Ohio. I didn’t even know where Ohio was on the map, nor did I care. I just knew my life would never be the same. Over the next two years, all four of us moved out of the “court,” and my family ended up in the state I knew nothing about--Ohio. I kept in close touch her over the years and to this day, she remains one of my oldest and best friends.

Because I already had a close tie to that former NJ BFF, when I was “uprooted” to Cleveland (Beachwood, specifically) it was not as hard a transition as it could have been. Side note: I jokingly use the word “uprooted” because it was the best thing my parents ever did for us. As a 10 year-old fifth grader, I was immediately accepted. My new classmates introduced themselves in advance of my physical move by writing me letters—even when I was still living in NJ. I felt like I belonged the minute we exited 271 on Chagrin Boulevard.

From fifth grade through high school, I had, what I considered to be, an ideal childhood. I had a core group of friends (which included my former NJ BFF), I was active in many athletic activities, cheerleading (which IS a sport), and participated in miscellaneous social groups. It was just easy—every weekend I knew what my plans were, and who they were with.

Therefore, when I left for Miami University, I was excited—thinking my transition to college, would be just as easy as my transition from NJ to OH. Not so much. Although my CLE BFF attended Miami University with me, we did not live in the same dorm freshman year, so I had to fend for myself for the very first time. It took me what I thought was an eternity, but in actuality was just a week, to adjust. I not only clicked with three amazing young women in my own dorm corridor, but I quickly became friends with those living in my CLE BFF’s. Over those four years, I joined a sorority and by junior year, I once again had my besties—they were my soulmates and we were addicted to each other.

When we graduated, the group of females that I not only grew close to, but lived with, were moving all over the country—Atlanta, Chicago, Dayton, New York, and me, back to Cleveland. OMG! I spent a number of years following college graduation building a career in Cleveland, but visiting my girls. In fact, Chicago became such a second home to me, that I eventually moved there—for a whole five months. It appears I’m a better tourist than resident of the Windy City.

While living in Cleveland, I bonded with women I worked with, as well as those I met through friends, etc…that were young and single as well. Some of these women were such a big part of my life for years, and now have vanished as our lives have evolved. And, this is where my insecurity, and worry, comes from. Is it “normal” to have friends that were such a big part of your life for years, and now they are virtually strangers? If they (or you, because life is a two-way street), were good enough then, why are these friendships not good enough now?

As I reflect on this, and my life to date, I realize that life is, in fact, made up of stages. Earlier in life they were easily categorized as Elementary School, Middle School, High School, College, etc…but as we get older, these categories are no longer outlined for us. For me, these categories included “Life immediately following college graduation," ”Life during my quarter-life crisis until I met my husband,” “Life in a serious relationship with the man I knew I would marry,” “Life as an engaged woman with two future stepchildren,” “Life as a wife with two stepchildren,” and now, ”Life as a wife and a mom of three children.”

There have been many friendships that have lasted through all of my stages, some that have not, and some that vanished for a while and now have reappeared because our lives circled back toward each other. I do have friends, many many wonderful friends—these friendships each have their own personality, they’re not one in the same, and that makes them unique, not abnormal. And, I know once I enter “Life as a mom with a preschooler” I will make all new friends who hopefully will be lifelong friends, but if not, I will be okay with it and will know it’s not me, it’s just life.